Where Are They Now? (Rated R)

**Laughter is always welcomed. Relax and chuckle**

After years of research, phone calls and incurring traveling expenses, I tracked down some of our favorite characters of yesteryear. Thought you might want to know what they’re up to. CAUTION: ADULT LANGUAGE AND SITUATIONS

…DENNIS “THE MENACE” MITCHELL

Known as one of the great knuckleheads of all time, Dennis Mitchell’s antics literally drove his parents and his neighbor, Mr. Wilson, to early graves.

DENNIS:

“No one is surprised to see me in prison, but believe me when I tell you, this time I’m innocent. That dirty bitch Margaret Wade, now the D.A. essentially managed to convict me on all my past screw-ups. All the restraining orders old man Wilson filed against me, all the times I broke in his house and sold his belongings for drug money, and she cited the time I made a fake deed and sold my parents’ house to a black couple, whose lawn I later burned a cross on.

“Margaret always had a thing for me and when I rejected her, she turned on me. Worse, on prom night, I gave her crabs. I did it on purpose, too. Hell, I didn’t want to be the only one who didn’t score on prom night. Even my shy pal, Joey, got a piece that night. It was with my dog, Ruff, but no one ever said your first time had to be with a human.

“I first started hustling with Joey, but he wound up getting beat to death because he borrowed some money from a colored loan shark. I told him that those darkies were crazy, man. That’s why I’m in the brotherhood. I got somebody watching my back in here.

“Good ol’ Mister Wilson…what an asshole. He bit on every practical joke I ever pulled. To be honest, I’m surprised he lasted as long as he did. There was something about nagging him and watching him turn red and clutch his chest that cracked me up. Worse, I even busted out laughing at his funeral. I couldn’t help it, because when I looked down at him in his casket, he had a black eye from having stepped on a rake I left on his porch a few days earlier. Missus Wilsondidn’t like that too much and told me afterward that I would never amount to shit. I told her I was going to kill her and then sodomize her. The look on her face was priceless. A week later, she moved to Florida to be with her daughter and son-in-law.

“I put Tabasco sauce in my dad’s preparation H, and he went ballistic. He was shouting and cussing—which was something I’d never seen him do before, let alone on a Sunday morning—and he fell face-first onto the table into a plate of hot grits. The stroke didn’t kill him immediately. He hung on for nine months before succumbing. My mother believed the movie The Omen was about me. So one day I went to a tattoo parlor, had three sixes tattooed on my scalp, and then I asked my mom to cut my hair. When she saw those sixes, she fell over dead. Funny shit, man. Funny shit.”

…LAMONT SANFORD

The smart-mouthed son of junk dealer Fred G. Sanford and junior partner of their junk business, Lamont Sanford still resides in the same ratty-looking house onCrenshaw Blvd. He still runs the junk business that his father began in 1961.

LAMONT:

“Pop died in 1991, and since that time, I’ve been in and out of prison. I got caught up with Rollo’s dumb ass, and listening to him, we tried to rob this Korean grocer. He said as long as we had guns, we didn’t need bullets. Well, the grocer had a gun, too, and his had bullets in it. Rollo was shot and killed and I surrendered. Thankfully, my clean record convinced the judge to go easy on me and I only did a two-year stretch in Folsom.

“When I got out, the junk business was slow and I got desperate for cash. The house was about to be foreclosed on, so I decided to pull another robbery, this time solo. I ended up messing things up big-time, when I accidentally killed Pops’ friend Grady. He had just hit LOTTO and I knew he had some loot, so I broke into his house. I found him home and me and that old goat began to fight. I underestimated his boxing skill and he knocked me down twice. As he tried to hit me with a cane, I snatched it and he lost his balance. He struck his head on a coffee table and I bounced with about four hundred dollars in my pocket. I later hooked up with some chick, got drunk and told her what I did. Turns out she was Mr. Wilson’s neighbor and turned me in for the reward money.

“Aunt Esther ran the business in my absence and kept up the payments on the house. She tried to get me to go to church, and I promised her I would, but after I did my seven years in Chino, I got caught up in selling crack. Sadly, I became my own best customer and wound up doing three more years.

“This time after I got released, I ended up having to deed the house over to Aunt Esther. The deal was that when she died, the house would revert back to me. She died from ethyl glycol poisoning and the D.A. couldn’t pin the case on me. I collected on a fifty thousand dollar insurance policy and squandered most of the money on expensive sneakers and a jag that I totaled two weeks after buying.

“Coincidentally, I crashed my car into Rodney King’s. Man, talk about irony…”

…MR. PHINEAS J. WHOOPEE

The resident genius and neighbor of the Megopolis Zoo, Phineas J. Whoopee (“The Man With All The Answers”) was best known for his lectures featuring his device the 3-DBB (three-dimensional blackboard). A friend to zoo denizens Tennessee Tuxedo and his dimwitted pal, Chumley, Whoopee was an enemy to those who served in the Board of Directors of the Friends of the Megopolis Zoo.

WHOOPEE:

“I’ve always believed in the rights and freedom of all God’s creatures. Tennessee and Chumley were no exception. Stanley Livingston—the head of the zoo—believed otherwise. I suspect he was into bestiality. Several times Chumley showed up at my office in tears and needing to have his rectum sewed up. He would tell me that Stanley told him not to say anything about how he was injured. On several occasions, I detected what looked like semen on Chumley’s buttocks.

“Livingston suggested that Tennessee was taking advantage of Chumley, but I know Tennessee wouldn’t have done anything like that. Those two were not only best friends, but Tennessee died when he attacked Livingston, whose goons put that poor little penguin down. A few days before the attack, Tennessee told me he was going to get both Livingston and Flunky for some of the things they did to Chumley. Livingston lost an eye in the attack.

“I liked lecturing those two. They were good students, and the fact that they took my advice and used it against Livingston and his cronies—including that rat Jereboa Jump—made my efforts all the more meaningful. Just like the women I boned, whenever I finished my business with them, they would tell me `Phineas J. Whoopee, you’re the greatest!’

“When they closed the zoo down, Stanley came to my house talking shit. He didn’t know that I held a black belt in Kung Fu and Savate. I held him in my house for two days and beat his ass as if I’d caught him taking a shit in my grandmother’s casket. I called Chumley over and let him get in a few good licks, too.

“Chumley was supposed to be shipped back to Alaska, but Livingstone had him cut into walrus nuggets and ate him. He was sentenced to fifteen years of federal time for that. He died last year. They found him in his cell, dead on the toilet. Doctor says his bowels locked up on him. No better for that chickenshit bastard.”

…TYRONE

After his sudden notoriety, The infamous Tyrone—immortalized in song by Erykah Badu—fled New York. He now lives quietly with his grandmother, outsideBaltimore, Maryland.

TYRONE:

“I never will forget those words…’You better call Tyrone and tell him I said come on.’ Who does this bossy bitch think she is, telling me to come when she calls? She wasn’t my woman. I mean, did she really expect me to get out of the warm bed at four in the morning and come help her man get his shit outta her house? And on top of that, she wasn’t offering any gas money? Sheeeeit.

“Man, that chick didn’t even know me, then gon’ put my business out there like that. Made me look bad. My own mama didn’t even speak to my ass for six months based on some shit she heard in a song. That argument was between her and her old man, Leroy. Why did she have to drag my ass into it? You know how sistas get—all for one and one for all. When other sistas realized who I was, they’d walk up on me, cuss me out, slap me and shit. One old woman spit on me and called me a “cockblocking playa hater” and this happened at my high school graduation, as I walked across the stage to get my GED.

“And what’s this shit about he always got me and James and some other niggas with him? I don’t know those other fools. Usually when I went out, I went stag. And if I sound bitter, hey—fuck it. Damn right, I’m bitter. I got dogged on a record and didn’t get a penny in royalty payments. What kinda shit is that? I thought about making a response record, but couldn’t think of shit that rhymed with `Erykah.’”

…THE LITTLE RASCALS

Stars of the Our Gang shorts, all of the members of this beloved troupe have now gone to that big clubhouse in the sky—all but Robert Blake, who played Little Mickey. He offered us these insights into the off-screen persona of his castmates.

BLAKE:

“Spanky, that guy was the original practitioner of `Will Work For Food.’ You offer that guy a slice of pie or a couple of pieces of fried chicken, and he’d do anything. We once got him to blow the dog for three boxes of Cracker Jack and a root beer soda. Poor bastard ate himself to death. He just couldn’t help himself. I once saw him wolf down an entire pot roast during a five-minute break in filming. It was both frightening and impressive; and the guy would put ketchup on everything—including waffles.

“Alfalfa was a womanizer and unknown to the public, a heroin addict. They found him lying face down in a pool of his own feces and vomit, in a cathouse in El Segundo. The needle was still stuck in his arm. I tried to tell him to leave the horse alone, but he wouldn’t listen.

“Darla was a wonderful woman. We went out a few times, but nothing ever became of it. Off-screen she hated Alfalfa’s guts. She was more into Froggy. She thought his voice was sexy. Froggy, however, was terrified of girls. He went through his entire life a virgin. He said that he was traumatized as a child when he saw two hobos who were passing through cornhole his dad to death. The thing about Froggy was that he couldn’t remember a line for shit. We used to call him `Retake Jake.’

“Buckwheat was a helluva guy. So was Stymie. Those two could crack jokes that would have you laughing all night. After they left the show—during some sort of contract dispute—I lost contact with them. I thought it was sad that they earned only one-third of what we white rascals earned. They later sued, but lost their cases and were never heard from again. The Producers wanted to bring in a Korean rascal—Basra, but abandoned the idea, fearful he might eat the dog. How’s that for racism?

“Butch was my buddy. He and I would hit the clubs and party until the wee hours of the morning. Then one night he was killed by a jealous husband. The thing is, Butch really believed he was tough, but in the real world he couldn’t fight a lick. He once tried to pick a fight with Jimmy Cagney, thinking the publicity would jumpstart his post-Rascals career. He wanted to do gangster films.

“One night I saw him get his ass kicked by a member of the Mickey Mouse Club. It was fucking brutal, man. Me and Stymie had to pull the guy off him. Butch lost an eye in that fight, and he was later let go by the producers, who thought his wearing an eye patch was just too much. He ended up drawing disability and died penniless and insane.

“I miss those days. We use to have a lot of fun—and the drugs they supplied us with—man, they were the best. They kept us full of speed, because we had to shoot two, sometimes three shorts a day.”

…ROBIN, THE BOY WONDER

Once known as Batman’s crime fighting sidekick, Robin took over the everyday operations of the bat cave when Batman fell into a vortex of alcohol abuse. After taking the company public, Robin was fired by the Bat Cave Industries Board of Directors and accused of embezzlement. Charges were later dropped. Now fifty-five, Robin lives quietly at the Justice League Of America Retirement Project inSan Diego.

ROBIN:

“I hated being Batman’s flunky. He use to hog all the groupie pussy to himself and give me the leftovers—the fat and pmply bitches he, the Riddler and The Joker didn’t want. There was this one ugly ass chick whom we called The Cowardly Lion, because she looked like the character of the same name. Batman told the broad I liked her and she began stalking me until one day I cussed her out in front of a bunch of kids and she committed suicide. Took me a while to get over that.

“Batman began to believe his press clippings and thought he was bigger than Superman, until Superman kicked his ass. Batman came back and shot Superman in the head with a krypton-tipped bullet and Superman lost all his shit—the x-rays vision, ability to bend steel and he couldn’t leap over a Tonka Toy, let alone a tall building. That was the end of Superman’s career. He became impotent and angry, and then Lois Lane finally realized that he was Clark Kent, and she left his ass for Lex Luthor. That’s how chickenshit Batman was. He’d shit on you, then go home and laugh about it with Alfred.

“Batman began drinking with the Hulk, which is another story. Hulk never was hit by any gamma rays. That dude would get drunk, and he had this condition that caused him to turn green whenever he drank. Plus, once he was lit, he always wanted to fight. Hulk checked himself into the Betty Ford Clinic. Batman kept drinking that cheap shit—Thunderbird, Old Forrestor, Winner’s Cup Gin…He started slipping, and Cat Woman began fooling with him, and almost bankrupted his ass until Alfred and I took over. Later, Alfred made a power and money grab and left me holding the bag.

“Yeah, that costume I wore was ugly as hell. You know you’re wearing a fruity costume when Paul Lynde and Liberace laugh at you. I had to wear panties, too, I asked for a more color-coordinated uniform and some long pants–something more representative of a super hero. Then some producer got the idea that I should live up to my name. He suggested that I wear that same oversized bird costume used by the actor in that Three Stooges short where Shemp is on a train, drunk and begins to dance with an imaginary canary.

The writers never done me any justice. Once they were going to have one of Cat Woman’s henchmen punch me in the gut—and get this—cause me to lay an egg. Ain’t that fucked up? They also wanted me to yell, `Baaaaawk!’ Until I reminded them that was a chicken. Thank God Batman talked them out of it.

“Finally, I said to hell with it. I was tired of the Hollywood rat race. I ended up sharing an apartment with Donny Most—the guy who played Ralph Malph onHappy Days, and a then up-and-coming comic named Michael Richards. After a couple of years of that, I traveled the world, boned a lot of women in Europe who still thought I was hot shit, then retired. Life has treated me well, and for the record, I’m not gay.”

…CLUMSY SMURF

The most uncoordinated of all the Smurfs, Clumsy Smurf—now wheelchair bound after a fall down a mountain—is surprisingly upbeat. He had been Papa Smurf’s right hand man for the better part of two decades before being exiled from SmurfVillage in 2005.

CLUMSY:

“All of us Smurf’s were known by our most obvious characteristic. Smurfette was a slut, Weirdo Smurf was mentally disturbed, Sodomite Smurf…well, you get the picture. I was plain ol’ clumsy. I didn’t learn how to tie my shoes until I was seventeen and for a guy who is already clumsy, you can imagine the many times I scrubbed and Wisecracker Smurf took advantage of it. During a 1997 HBO Comedy Special, he did a ten-minute stand up routine lambasting me, which left me mentally scarred.

“A lot of chicks felt sorry for me, because I was always wearing a cast. Double-D Cup Smurf was always smothering me, and not just with sympathy. I miss her, especially since I’ve been banned from the village. You know how it goes, once exiled you’re persona non grata with everyone. It started after Papa Smurf caught me snurfterbating in the lunchroom at work. You see, I was having this fantasy about Smurfette and I…I guess I got carried away. Papa Smurf walked in, saw what I was doing and went ballistic. He radioed for Kung Fu Smurf and Drunken-Brawler Smurf and I guess you can figure out the rest. I tried to run, but tripped and fell. The three of them stomped me. I got kicked to the curb without so much as a trial.

“Double-D Cup Smurf found out what happened and dumped me for Twelve-Inch Smurf—and the twelve inches doesn’t refer to his height. The guy wound up with a bad back trying to carry that thing around, but from what I hear, he was something in the sack.”

…GEPETTO

Gepetto Q. Jones has had a cloud over his head ever since his son Pinocchio’s tell-all memoir, Puppet Raper: My Horrifying Life As The Sex Flunky of Gepetto Jones.

GEPETTO:

“After I retired as a Priest in the Catholic Church, I was lonely. My neighbors wondered why I carved a little boy instead of a woman. Well, let me tell ya, a week earlier, one of my neighbors had done just that. He whittled himself a woman out of a sycamore stump and glued some pine cones to her, tossed a red wig on her head and a dress, then had his way with her. He wound up with a dick full of splinters, which became infected and he died, so I knew I wasn’t going that route.

“Pinocchio liked to run the streets. He hated doing his chores and finally he left home at seventeen and went to Hollywood. They made a Disney movie about his life and later a live-action made for TV movie, with Drew Carey playing me. Ain’t that a bitch? After Pinocchio couldn’t find work in mainstream films, he began starring in adult videos, working under the name Woody Maplecock. He told anyone who would listen that I was a pervert, that I nailed him—no pun intended. If I ever see that son of a birch again, I’ll set fire to his ass! And yes, it’s just a coincidence that I’m one of the founding fathers of the Man-Boy Love Association.

“On the morning in question, a neighbor called the police when he heard Pinocchio screaming and carrying on. He said he heard me threaten to sodomize the boy, but with my thick Italian accent, he misunderstood me. What I said was, `I’ma gonna Saw dem eyes, you’s!’ What I meant was that I was going to use my coping saw to take out his orbs.”

CLEAN:

“I don’t regret exposing myself to such toxic danger. I made millions which allowed me to put all five of my kids through college. The rest I blew on hookers and hooch. As for my shaved head, I always regretted that people like Telly Savalas and Yul Brynner copied it and became sex symbols, while the only time women think of me is when they want to clean a floor or toilet. That’s life for ya.

“I still get royalties from the movie series The Toixic Avenger, which is based on an idea I came up with after I learned I had the big C. Though the doctors give me just three more months, I’m happy, and if I had a chance to do it all over again, I wouldn’t change a thing. By the way, that little Dutch girl on the Dutch girl cleanser bottle? I screwed her. I guess I can cop to statutory rape, since I don’t have long to live anyway.”

…OTIS PUFF (The Guy On The Quaker Oatmeal Box)

Otis Puff has been mistaken so many times for former First Lady Barbara Bush, that he now laughs it off. For years, it had been a bone of contention with him, as Ms. Bush is a die-hard conservative and Puff is a self-proclaimed “Kennedy liberal.”

PUFF:

“Oatmeal sales will always be big and my face, along with that of Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima and the Gorton’s fisherman, will live on forever. I married Jemima back in fifty-seven. For years our faces could not appear on the same box, and sometimes not even on the same shelves, especially in the south. Those anti-miscegenation laws were brutal.

“Oatmeal is king, baby. In fact, that’s the slogan for our new ad campaign. I think that as far as slogans go, that one’s pretty lifeless, but that’s Madison Avenue for ya. You wanna hear the motto I suggested? `Muthafuck Cream Of Wheat…and Grits, Too,’ but the company didn’t like the idea of using profanity in an advertising campaign.

“I attribute my success to my father, Daddy Puff, who always told me that I could be anything I wanted to be. When my friend and neighbor, Rastus Jenkins got a job posing for the Cream Of Wheat box, I figured I could do the same. Women always flipped over my flowing, white locks. Later, Rastus and I had a falling out. That was back in sixty-three, at a Cereal Convention in Stuebenville, Ohio. He was jealous because Jemima chose me over him. He called her an `Uncle Tom.’ I challenged him to a fistfight and Rastus pulled a razor on me. We were separated by Charlie the Cuckoo Bird and an Ensign named Wilbur Fellows, who later went on to become Cap’n Crunch.

“I cheated on Jemima just once, with Betty Crocker. I wish I’d never done it, but Jemima understood that I was just sowin’ my wild oats. Get it?”

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