One Sad Anniversary

VMA’s 25th Anniversary

Ok. The major Britney hoopla and she gave a bullshit skit and a very crappy, brief speech acknowledging MTV’s Anniversary. Not the way to kick off a party, but the network has slipped as a whole anyway. That was her “opening” of the show that MTV was pimping for so many weeks. The skit included one of the actors from Superbad and could have been shorter or skipped all together. The opening speech could have been text messaged in. Next – dancers do a crippled rendition of zombies/freedom fighters with long glow sticks as they stomp/ceased their way to the stage from outside. A tall anthill replica is being pulled in with Rhianna at the top. She performed Disturbia but the vocals were not there. That’s not the best song for her vocals but it’s selling records. She was the official opening act, but I was not feeling the look or sound. Russell Brand came out to host the show and he’s milking what he can of his “15 minutes of fame.” He announced that Rhianna would be back to do a duet; Christina Aguilera and Kanye West were to also perform. Brand’s accent is annoying and he went on and on about Bam-Bam. His routine was extremely boring. More misses than hits. He took stabs at Palin’s daughter. I guess he’s supposed to be a comedian but he sucked ass!

Jamie Foxx got introduced as the star of an upcoming film (The Soloist) and he presented the Best Female Video. Foxx shouted out people’s relationships and dudes out of jail. Britney has been nominated for this award multiple times and finally wins it for Pieces of Me. She looked hott and thanked her children for inspiration. Lawd, she cleans up well. I fast-forwarded past most of Brand’s commentary as it was busllshit. Then MTV shot their load with The Hills Dumb and Dumber (Spencer & Heidi) once more. Best Male Video was presented by Demi Moore who couldn’t find a microphone. She seemed nervous reading from a teleprompter. Rhianna’s boy toy, Chris Brown won for With You. Country star, Taylor Swift was next as she introduced the Johnas Brothers. They performed on the back lot of Paramount Pictures; the same scene of New York where the show Seinfeld was shot. The group is so bubbly bubble gum that it almost makes one feel dirty to undress the cute one with her eye – almost. They performed as hundreds of love sick kids ran charged the back lot. While the show went to and came from commercial breaks there were artists who performed on the side, in some type of pit, and Katy Perry was first as she did a poor rendition of Madonna’s Like A Virgin. Sounded worse than the original. Perry’s outfit was also a hott mess. MTV went back to the show with her singing I Kissed A Girl. Stick to that Katy. Michael Phelps showed up with DJ headphones babbling about how he always listened to Lil’ Wayne to hype him up during the Olympics. He had no reason to be there except to introduce his hero – Lil’ Wayne. Leona Lewis was gorgeous and sang for Lil’ Wayne. Soon Lil’ Wayne came down topless and grabbing his crotch. Why not?!? This man looked like the Predator with shades and a mic. Oh yeah, and his ass was exposed showing his black draws and possibly giving signs. So ass exposing and cuss words flowing: ok; nipples: unacceptable – just want to fully understand. (How you doin’?) Another Predator showed up with a top hat and a mic. It’s name was T-Pain and I didn’t understand half the shit he said.

Lindsey Lohan and an elderly looking Ciara were up next to introduce Fanny Pack as the MTV Dance-Off winners. Also they presented the Best Dancing video, which went to the Pussycat Dolls. Those chicks have MTV confusing stripper gyrating moves for actual dancing. I began to wonder if this was really a strip club nomination. Everyone from PCD was speaking as though they were 4 then in unison they screeched Doll Domination; the name of their upcoming album dropping September 24th. Great, I was running out of coasters. Danity Kane were pretending to tally up text votes for Best New Artists on their sidekicks. Whatever. A group of people came out and they were to be from a film adaptation of the Twilight books. Don’t know, don’t care. They introduced the Best Rock video nominees, Paramour, who was performing across town. They sounded ok but the music drowned out the singer. Good or bad? Either way I put my fast-forward to good use. Slash and Shia LeBeouf (my sexy eye candy) introduced the actual Best Rock video category and announced Linkin Park’s Shadow of the Day. Shia looked sexy as hell in his suit Yummmm! Slash almost busted a good dream on stage as he made the announcement and Linkin Park gave their award to their director. Miley Cyrus introduced P!nk next after she performed an awful skit with Brand.. The rad ass bitch P!nk performed So What in the NY back lot and nailed her decent from a set prop to the ground. She wailed out the song and pumped up the crowd. Could barely hear her in the beginning as the music was overpowering her. It all worked out and was a performance highlight. She stripped off her blue dress and revealed a sexy black onsey! Ting Ting came back from the break and they did their thing on the side of he stage. Slipknot introduced the Best Hip Hop vid. Slipknot said that they beat down people who showed up on their stage. Really? If this is true then why is Akon in trouble? Lil’ Wayne’s Lollipop won. Did Kanye go off somewhere to cry a little? Most likely.

Next was the sloppy Jordin Sparks showed up with John Legend and felt she needed to “take on” Brand for cracking jokes about promise rings. This wreck began to whine about how it’s ok to wear promise rings because not every guy/girl wants to be a slut. WTF was that? Sounds like someone’s upset that no one wants her cookies. Why do kids who choose not to wear a bullshit promise ring be considered sluts? They simply may want to test out the merchandise before purchase. Calm the hell down! Legend picked up from the sloppy one and introduced TI’s performance with Rhianna. Here she looked hotter for her duet and did the damn thing. She had on no top, simply an open jacket, black pants, shades, and her hot hair cut. The High School Musical cast introduced Christina Aguilera who lookes sexy too as she sand her new single, Super. She held it down! YouTube Alert: this is a must see clip, whenever it gets uploaded. The dancers gave this chick a cape like James Brown. You go Super Bitch!! Brand addressed the promise ring issue – and made a joke that a little bit of sex occasionally never hurt anyone. Best New Artist went to Tokyo Hotel who said they only wanted to thank their fans. The lead singer looked like a pre-teen girl. Take that Sparks – you walk away empty handed. LL Cool J brought the show out of commercial with Going Back to Cali. Also Exit 13, the name of his latest album, graced his green T-shirt. September 9th is when his album drops.

Paris Hilton (whose show My New BFF will be on MTV) came on stage and was looking the wrong way for the teleprompter. She introduced Best Pop Video: Britney snatched this one too. Do it bitch! Phelps looked like someone punched him in the mouth as the cameras panned to him in the audience. Luciano was next in the pit and performed Superstar. Kid Rock performed some song that sounded like Country Rock and I tried but could not take him and Lil Wayne/Will I am (couldn’t tell which one it was) together. It was one of them but either way the performance was weak. Fast-forward came in handy once more. Kobe Bryant was next and introduced the Video of the Year. Britney came in like a thief and swipped that award too. All of her awards were for Piece of Me and rightfully so. This is her FN year!! This year’s VMAs has been the Year of Britney and Brand closed out the show by escorting Britney off the stage and out of the lot in a golf cart. Kanye was in the dark with a single spotlight performing his latest single to close out the show. Even though he failed to win he still performed. Actually, I was shocked he was there. After the bitch fest her performed last year he swore to never deal with MTV again. Why the change? Not understanding or knowing what he was singing I grew tired of him and lost interest in less than three minutes. I fast-forwarded once more and spotted a drum troop behind him. I stopped to hear how they were and watched the remainder of the sad performance. Soon Sway was on my screen pretending to interview an adult looking drag queen Perez Hilton. I can’t stand neither one of those dopes.

Well, that was a waste of two hours and MTV is getting worse at putting these things together. It looked like they were at a YMCA Gym or something. Would not be surprised if this was one of the lowest rated shows.

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