Grammys 2010 Backwash

– 2010/01/31Posted in: award shows

The night opened with a Negro singing to welcome Lady Gaga to the stage. It was very Broadway-Campy. Who would have thought the chick I saw at the NKOTB concert last year is bringing down the house. In another ugly outfit and dancers who never look like they fit the scene, she got it together with Poker Face (love it and the hidden connections). The stage looked like a factory – one of the best set ups so far. The medley went into Then came Gaga and Elton John and the pianos. They both rocked the sparkled sunglasses . John also had a HUGE earring in his right ear dangling and bezazzling me! They sang Speechless and did the damn thing while infusing John’s classic “Your song.” John rocked out solo on the piano and did his thing. The fans loved that combo and now we’re ready to see how many purchased nominations Beyonce will collect tonight.

Steven Colbert, nominated for best comedy album, was first to present for the night. Tonight I’ll be taking shots of liquor to see how much BEPs I can stand or if I throw up before Adam Lambert and Beyonce references – heads up that I started drinking in preparation since 2 PM. Colbert spoke on why Susan Boyle was not at The Grammys and cracked on her singing – however she was the one who had a top selling album and was not nominated. Colbert pulled out the iPad and read the nominees. They are pushing that crap technology big time.

And the check cleared as Song of the year went to Beyonce. Three corny Negros went up as co-song writers to Beyonce (“Single Ladies”) to accept the award as the fake Terminator was getting ready to perform. Speaking of corny Jennifer Lopez and a weird dress showed up to introduce the Broadway Cast of American Idiot and Green Day to perform “21 Guns.” I actually like that. A beautiful sista started it all off with an amazing voice. I just may go to see this on Broadway. The melody brought by the cast is on point and the overall performance was good business. Apparently there was a vote to see which song Bon Jovi would play on the Grammys and I could care less. The Country Album of the year went to Taylor Swift (“Fearless”- one of eight nominations that turns into a win).

Simon Baker introduced The Fake Terminator – Beyonce. She came less than half way down the isle with a group of men dressed as S.W.A.T. for no other reason than to simply stomp down the isle. Another fan was seen being abused again tonight. She began with “If I Were a Boy” and went off into a cover song by Alanis Morissette “You Outta Know” and almost stumbled down the stairs. She continues to show the world that whipping your wig around is ok as long as the lacefront is strapped on tight. Another wasted performance time.

Seal introduced P!nk and her high-flying circus act as she sang. I can do without seeing her hanging by a string but at least she sounded nice tonight. Walking around the stage P!nk drops her white robe and walks down to the middle stage in strings made from gauze and surrounded by three guys hanging above her and water raining down on her as she spins around in a circle. WTF am I watching as I crack open another bottle of liquor?! As folks got pulled into a trance from the melody of the music folks got up and gave a standing ovation to P!nk.

Best new artist went to the Zack Brown Band – who? I keep seeing these folks pop up at award shows and I still have no care to get to know them or their backwoods music. HONKY Tonk brought to life. If they could play music for Beyonce’s writers let’s keep the magic going with these fools! I don’t have all night to watch fools fumble. Miley Cyrus came on babbling about some crap having to do with BEPs. I gulped down three glasses of liquor just to make it through the squeaks that Fergie does – man, that chic can’t sing. Another group with outfits that are uglier than their lyrics and not in the “ghetto good” way. I just noticed that folks at the Grammys stand for anything – literally.

Jonas Brothers introduced Lady Antebellum- a country group, they were alright. Best comedy album of the year went to Steven Colbert and his Christmas album “A Colbert Christmas: The Greatest Gift of All.” Record of the year went to Kings of Leon whom the fans roared for when their name was mentioned. Robert Downey, Jr. introduced a joke that opera would liven up the show but it was Master of Coon Jamie Foxx singing the popular tune “Blame it on the alcohol.” He brought autotune back to the forefront for the evening. Doug E. Fresh also appeared to show he still is employed by the industry. Soon the show turned into a serious joke with Slash appearing, a dancer who looked out of place, and Jeezy whipping his dreds around like he was receiving electro shock treatments. Justine Bieber and Ke$ha looked completely mismatched as Bieber showed that he was having wetdreams of Beyonce. Ke$ha looked like a fucking mess and she never met a mirror she got along with.

The best rock album of the year went to Green Day – not my genre, not my problem. Zack Brown Band performed then came Taylor Swift – who can be a much stronger singer in person with a bit more work. She sang with Fleetwood Mac and then a banjo came out – it’s a ho down right about now on the stage.

Next we have Lionel Rickie to introduce the 3-D tribute to Michael Jackson. I have heard about this tribute and cringed at the thought. Let the disaster, I mean, tribute begin. 3-D glasses ON! . Sidebar: where were these 3-D glasses being given out to other home viewers? WTF?! We start with a mini-3-D film from Michael that was to be a part of his tour. Celin Dion and Usher came out singing Michael’s new song. I really needed 3-D glasses to see them. Then Carrie Underwood rolled out with Jennifer Hudson to help sing the song with Michael. Then Smokey Robinson came on stage to sing the song with the group. Free Willie showed up, the rainforest was given a cameo. Beyonce (The Fake Terminator) was rocking her 3-D shades in the audience…. Still wondering if Usher wore is shades (non-3-D) on stage to hide his tears. We all saw him at the funeral. The group sounded much better than I thought they would so this was a decent tribute. Then the five performers turned around and stared at the pictures of Michael, hugged each other, and the audience stood to applaud. Prince and Paris Jackson (along with cousins) came on stage to honor their father and accept the award for lifetime achievement for their dad. Prince spoke. They had their mini-MJ outfits on to represent for pop dukes. They thanked God, granma and granpa for supporting them and taking care of them. Paris and Prince said a “we love you daddy” and spoke briefly on the love their dad had for the world, his fans, and helping children. They stumbled here and there but they were nervous. Job well done.

Bon Jovi preformed “We weren’t born to follow.” Maxwell (Balcksummer’s Night) won for best R&B album of the year (damn right) and I am lead to drink more as “Single Ladies” wins awards off camera. To help that shitty album of Beyonce’s to wing for “best cntemporary R&B album” they placed her against other trash buckets for 2009. Eminem got best rap album, and he, Dr. Dre and 50 Cent got best rap collaboration for duo or group of the year. Back to Bon Jovi, they sang “Living on a Prayer” which was a good song from the Bon Jovi Catalogue. Rap collaboration went to Rihanna and Jay-Z (because she did bring that song to another level) and of course someone’s offspring was brought on stage. Does he belong to Jay-Z? If no one wanted a discussion on whose child he was then he should have been left in his seat.

Now the Grammys will be attempting to tug a heart strings and dip into pockets as they bring out Wyclef to shed more tears for Haiti. Ok, now Wyclef said he had all his people in Haiti watching the Grammy’s but should folks be focused on saving those still trapped under rubble?? Or is that another crazy idea I have? How did they get cable/satellite back up in time for the fucking Grammys but can’t get enough food, doctors and help???? Wyclef gave his speech and Haiti/Creole 101 and introduced Mary J. Blige, David Foster, and Andrea Bocelli to get at the tears still remaining in the audience’s tear ducts. During the performance the information to purchase the song on iTunes was shown, and a number to give more money to the thieves of Red Cross. All-in-all it was a good performance. Since they never or rarely show a gospel group/singer win anything on camera it’s appropriate to state that Heather Headly (Audience of One) won for best contemporary r&b gospel album. Best reggae album, another genre not shown on television, was given to Stephen Marley (Mind Control). Apparently Ziggy Marley got into children’s music as he won best musical album for children (Family Time). West Side Story won for best musical show album (which is a remake) and Slumdog Millionaire won for best compilation soundtrack.

The annoying cry baby CEO/President of the Recording Academy, Neil Portnow, made another appearance. Also he made another bullshit plea about pirating music. This dude really needs to stop harping on that bullshit as the people that are true artists are not compensated because thieving CEO and presidents of the industry does not pay their fucking artists. Now Adam Sandler came out to introduce The Dave Matthews Band. As we see Beyonce’s checks are clearing on time as she’s cleaning up at the Grammys this year. They have actually passed over all the good singers and chosen Beyoce as the winner. She thanked “her husband” as she walked off with another purchase.

LL Cool J came on stage (what is he, the awards king now?) He announced that David “Honeyboy” Edwards has earned his Lifetime Achievement Award as the legendary Jazz artist that he is. Maxwell performed “Pretty Wings” with Roberta Flack and did the damn thing! The tribute to those who passed away. Willie Mitchell, Koko Tayler, Louis Bellson, Dan Seals, David, ‘Pop” Winans, Snooks Eaglin, Teddy Pendergrass, Uriel Jones.

Jeff Beck performed next and I went to look for more liquor. I returned in time to see that Clark Terry won a lifetime achievement award as well and it was just too bad that the White Coon himself, Quentin Tarantino made the announcement. He introduced Drake, Eminem, and Lil Wayne. I must have missed the news of him being out of jail? Did he even go yet? Drake is a suck ass performer and Tarintino is known for selling pop dreams. Most of his performance is blacked out so it was useless watching – thank goodness for live forward. Soon Eminem came on stage to save the performance, if only he could do the whole damn show. Spoke too soon, the White boy lost his mind too and blanks were inserted but not as much as the guy who advertises his ass to his lovers/potential lovers. Seems like someone took classes on how to LOOK at the audience – rather than his shoes – when he performs. As the camera pans to Taylor Swift rocking it out I wait to hear another verse from Eminem. Finally the end of the night is here and we listen to the announcement of album of the year and it goes to Taylor Swift (Fearless) and rightfully so! A disaster avoided, as it was too close to “I am… Sasha Fierce.”